4 Reasons You Like Internet Lists

I have this theory that college Professors will do away with the well-known 30 page essays we wrote on Great Orators of Greece when we were in college and instead ask our children to write a list of The Top 10 Reasons Demosthenes Was A Badass Orator. These Professors will be inspired to ax the archaic 30 page expository essay from their required assignments because of cerebral lists they read today like: 12 Reasons You Should Buy a Cat Named Phil, 90 Dance Moves You Perfected Watching 90’s Boy Bands, 12 Ways You Screwed Up Your Last Relationship and now,

4 Reasons You Like Lists

1. Bullet Points or Bold Font: What’s great about lists is you only have to read the bullet points or the bold font to get the gist of the article. If you want to know more about a certain point you just read more than the first sentence of the paragraph and you will start getting into the meat and bones of the bullet point. But do any of us have time for those extra words anyway? No, so stick with the bold font if you’re crunched for time (or you just want to get back to stalking Nick Minaj’s twitter account).

2. They Can Be Inspirational:  There is always one bullet point on the list of 25 Reasons to Sell Everything You Own and Travel the World which for a glimmer of a millisecond has you logging on to eBay uploading a picture of your favorite pair of expensive high heels for bid, while you picture yourself barefoot on the beaches of Thailand. Then you remember toilet paper and your favorite heels and the very real potential of getting giardia, and it’s back to looking at pictures of Thailand in an Anthropologie catalog for you.

3. You Don’t Feel Guilty Posting A List To Your Facebook Newsfeed: Lists are usually funny, clever and relatable and you aren’t afraid your turtleneck-wearing Great Aunt Myrtle who stalks your Facebook page will question the content of the list, 10 Reasons You Don’t Have a Boyfriend because it’s what she’s been saying to you for years now (except she’s not as funny when she says it). Meanwhile, your friends and your peers will take note of how funny, clever and relatable you are because you liked the list they also shared on their Facebook pages. However, if your Great Aunt Myrtle comments, “For a second I thought this was a serious article, but then I realized it was satire!!! You are so funny! LOVE YOU!!” on the list of 20 Reasons Your Family is Bad at Facebook you might consider deleting the post and going back to your never-posting-on-Facebook-to-avoid-embarrassing-comments lifestyle.

4. They Have Lots of Pictures: Lists are to articles what picture books are to novels. A normal article will post one or two bland pictures related to the content of the article. But (some) lists (not this one) have a picture for every bullet point. So if you are feeling super lazy when you click on the link: List of 100 Things to Do Before You Are Old Enough to Rent a Car you can skip reading the actual list, skip reading the bold font and just interpret what the picture of the albino gorilla eating a pear means to you. Go to the zoo? Hang out with an albino gorilla for a day? Eat more fruit? The (possible) meanings are boundless!

I mean, if I was a Professor I would ask my students to write me lists because it would make grading that much easier. Am I right?

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